Tuesday, December 11, 2012

February 2012 - The Depression

The month for the lovers.

This time i felt like i was swimming in a quicksand the more i move the faster i sink. This wasn't the month for me. I call this the depression month, as i found out the truth behind her not wanting to make things work. The truth regarding my thoughts with her.
It was the most painful moment in my life.i will not go into details as this is the darkest memory i have.


I had hope left in me, i tried to reach out to her, reach out to her family to keep things intact. But nothing moves her. No effort seen in her to make things work out for us. All i needed was to see her put a little effort. Unfortunately, none. That made me very sad. I'm loosing confidence that my ideal family would not be completed. This might be it, i said to myself.

I'm nearly exhausted, physically, emotionally and mentally. My health is in jeopardy. Good thing my son is here with me but not for long, he's going back to our province. I felt sorry for my son, i talked to him though he can't speak yet. I know he can understand me, i told him that I am deeply sorry that I can't make our family complete. I cried telling that to him. I guess he felt my sadness too, He just looked at me with those innocent eyes, wondering.

Anyhow, I found peace in him amidst the turmoils in my life. I would never want this experience of mine happen to him. I don't want to see him hurt.

I realize there are people who don't bother or even care they are messing up a family for their own sake. I hope they can be happy that once along their life, they betrayed someone who loves them or mess up someone's family.
I also realize you can choose one person instead of your own family. That your willing to sacrifice your own flesh and blood just to be with someone. She made me realize that. A very sad realization.